Sounds, Smells, and Memories

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So I'm in the seating area of an auto dealer, waiting to meet with the General Manager for a job interview. This was a career advancement opportunity that I'd long awaited. I mentally prepare for high pressure situations like this by reaffirming my belief that I am deserving of that which I pursue, I've earned it, and I'm confident that my work and accomplishments will speak for itself. As I wait, pop music plays in overhead speakers; the smell of coffee and new car fills the air. In passing, a few staff members ask if I've been helped and continue on their way.

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The receptionist approaches me and says "He's ready for you..."

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As she raised her hand to point in the direction of his office, I smell a familiar scent; a memory inducing fragrance that a previous co-worker of mine used to wear. The GM greets me and asks the General Sales Manager to join us. The GM says "why don't you start by telling us a little about yourself?" I begin to expound on career highlights and the circumstances surrounding my recent relocation to the state. Not 2 minutes in, a song plays on the overhead speakers that summoned an emotional (almost allergic) reaction.

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Yes! at the beginning of my high pressure interview, I'm about to choke up and struggle to hold back tears. A couple of years earlier, a friend of mine hid his struggle with depression from me. Before taking his own life, he sent me a song thru FB messenger. It had been years since the tragedy, and years of me blaming myself, but it had been almost an equal amount of time since I'd heard that song. If you're a member of my Discord, you know the song...

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Long ago, I made an unconscious decision to shove my painful and traumatic events into a room, thinking "I'll get to it when I get to it". I thought if I just compartmentalized long enough, I could "get through life". I wasn't fully aware of the consequences of not dealing with my trauma. Through out my life, often at the most inconvenient times, anxiety inducing memories found their way to the surface.

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If you know the car business, you know that poorly managed dealership environments are a breeding ground for sexism, prejudice, and a general lack of professionalism and maturity. A female appearing to display emotion during an interview won't get a call back. But I'd worked in the industry for 6 years at this point, I was a professional compartmentalizer!

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Luckily, I successfully hid my emotion, nailed the interview, and got the job! And within a month, I sought mental health treatment and started therapy sessions. The immense energy required to unpack traumatic events, organize mental clutter, do the work necessary to become whole, and still manage all activities of daily living... it's exhausting! But for me, it was equally rewarding! Don't get me wrong, the song will forever invoke his memory but now, I could play it on repeat without it triggering emotions.

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With the support of my therapist, I bravely faced other "triggers" that used to send me into a spiral and found that I'd stored some pretty awesome experiences in that same room. There's a powerful connection between the olfactory bulb (responsible for smell) and the brain's limbic system (associated with emotions and memories). Fall of 2022, I parked a cinnamon broom outside my front door. The sweet, earthy aroma reminded me of a childhood dish that my siblings and I ate often.

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Apple cinnamon transports me right back to a time when things made sense in life (briefly). Try my version of my dad's apple crisp recipe and check out my Discord channel for truly inspired accounts of escaping oppression.

Are you on a journey of your own? Share your story!

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