Crisis of Identity

I recently reconnected with my family; many of whom I hadn't seen in over 7 years. If you had a small fraction of an idea how complicated our upbringing was, you'd understand when I say the fact that we found our way back to each other was nothing short of divine intervention. Growing up in a home with 8 other siblings, in close proximity to DOZENS of cousins, I sometimes felt that I'd lost any sense of individualism. Although we all have distinct personalities, a combination of conformity and oppression (from those charged with our care) discouraged an honest expression of it. During my formative years, I was surrounded by people whose intent was to make me feel smaller than I was so they'd appear bigger than they were.

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Well into adulthood, for years, the reflection looking back at me was a little cub trying to find her courage.

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Common social environments (playground, school, parties, college) provide a platform for discovering who you are but our unconventional upbringing robbed us of that. As teenagers and young adults, breaking free from this situation also meant separating from each other. Speaking only for myself, this proved to be both deeply disheartening and exhilarating. I was presented with an opportunity to discover my unique qualities, values, and interests. Like many of my sisters, being in my own corner of the country, away from the judgement and opinions of people I cared for (because those judgements and opinions cut deeper) provided an opportunity for true self reflection; a period that would span over a decade. In this time, I learned to embrace my imperfections as part of being human. I learned to identify what success looked like to me, versus comparing my life to others.

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Full transparency, I had a delayed start on discovering who I am and defining my identity. And there are some social settings that still induce anxiety but I'm happy to say they are further and fewer in between. I learned to manage my anxiety by willingly putting myself in social situations, learning to navigate them, and knowing when to remove myself if it became too much. It wasn't easy! Realizing just how unconventional my upbringing was, I started a collection of cover stories (lies) just to avoid having to explain myself. Simple, everyday questions asked like "What school did you attend?" or "How long were you married?". Thinking "did I already tell them when I graduated high school? I can't tell them how long I was married, they'll know I was underage. Then I'll have to explain it was arranged, then I'll have to explain..."

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I decided enough is enough... I don't think I'll ever be free to be myself so long as I'm juggling "cover stories".

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To this day, perhaps the greatest truth I discovered is that it's not about me! For most, this has dual meaning. Some interpret this as "My pain and struggle isn't unique and I can point to someone who's got it worse." Personally, I can acknowledge my pain, accept that it's unique to me even if it's not unique, and honor these truths in hopes that it can inspire others to honor theirs; without fear of alienation or being victim shamed. Recognizing these judgements to be limitations of thought within others rather than a justification to stay trapped in "cover story" land; I decided to get my story out, one truth at a time...

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Check out my Discord channel for truly inspired accounts of escaping oppression.

Are you on a journey of your own? Share your story!

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